Mondays have now been dubbed my ‘at one with nature’ days.  I’ve been trying to be more active now the weather is brightening up (I have also been doing “Steptember” for charity, which is 10,000 steps a day for the whole of September, which for me is proving quite challenging and has involved too many nights frantically marching in front of the TV trying to get my steps in before bedtime!), whilst also enjoying the great outdoors. So, after dropping Mia at pre-kindy, for the last few weeks I have been getting out and walking some trails around Toowoomba.  I asked some Parkrun friends if they knew any good walks and Gormans Gap came up.  It’s a historical trail following the wagon route of the first European settlers in the area, so it sounded interesting. I looked it up in Google maps and it told me where to drive to and I spotted a lovely cairn (stone) dedicated to the people who founded the trail and then, about fifty metres along the track, a big “keep out, private property” sign! Hmmm! It was all overgrown and there was no way I was getting through, so I retreated to the car.  In retrospect, I should have driven to a trail I knew well and done that at this point, but never one to be defeated at the first attempt, I looked up where the other end of the trail started and drove up there.

The cairn at the start of the track

The other end of the trail was at the end of a housing estate past Preston Peak winery, which is a beautiful, little place and I was feeling much more confident this time.  However, not far into this trail, was a sign saying “Gormans Gap Historical Track Revegetation Project. Please keep out of this sensitive area”! Hmmm again! It was at the side of the track and the track was still clearly laid out, so I figured it would be cordoned off if you weren’t meant to go there (right?) and kept walking.

One of the revegetation signs!

The next clue that this wasn’t a highly frequented trail was when I reached a lookout platform, where the view was mostly obscured by trees! The sensible part of my brain was now going “Turn back you idiot, this won’t end well, it never does!”, while the more reckless part of my brain, which wins nine times out of ten, was saying “Ooh, I wonder what’s round the next bend?! Can we see?! Can we?! Can we?!” Obviously I kept on walking! Several cobwebs in the face and girly screams later and it was clear that I was not only the first person down that track that day, but probably the first in a while! “Turn back now, Emma!” “Ooh look! I can see another sign! Let’s see what it says!”

The overgrown view from the lookout!

The sign said “Archer’s slide” and was referring to the steep drop the trail took at this point.  I don’t have the best track record (no pun intended!) with walking down hills, which has made me ridiculously hesitant, as I know it’s only a matter of time before I’ll have tumbled head over heels.  My ‘go to’ position is to go low and slide down on my rear end (mountain goat I am clearly not!) so I was actually pretty pleased there was nobody else around at this point to see my embarrassing attempt! By some miracle, I managed to get down still upright and came to another sign, which outlined the history of the track.

Archer’s slide and slide I did!

A proper sign with information!

Then I came to a fork in the road and there were no signs to be seen.  As it turned out, I took the wrong one (surprised, aren’t you?!) and ended up near electricity pylons and nothing else of note, so turned back around and took the other fork.  This went down an actual dirt road for a while and eventually led to another “revegetation” sign like before. “Maybe you should turn around now and climb back up the hill.  It’s going to take some effort to get back up there, so it would probably be the best thing to do.” “But this isn’t the end of the track! You can’t turn around now! It can’t be that much further until the end!” I kept walking.

The next part is very bizarre: on the right hand side of the road was a driveway, which led to a mental retreat, according to the sign. Very random! There were opening times on the gate, some inspirational quotes etched into pieces of wood and a garden gnome! Bear in mind, there was nothing else around for a good few miles and I hadn’t seen another person since starting the walk, nor a car on this dirt road.  I had a look down the first part of the drive, but it was very long and I couldn’t see anything else as it twisted and I thought I had better get on with my walk.  A bit further along the dirt road was some smashed glass.  Completely insignificant at this point, but needed later!

Random little gnome!

I had probably walked another two to three kilometres when I came to a fence with KEEP OUT! PRIVATE PROPERTY! painted on it.  This is what I am blaming for getting me ridiculously lost! Instead of opening the fence and carrying on straight on the trail, I made a detour here for fear of getting shot by a crazed farmer! In the UK, I am used to “Public right of way”, where if it is a public footpath, it doesn’t matter if it runs through private property, the walker has the right of way. Apparently this doesn’t happen here and I wasn’t about to test out my “walker’s rights” with no witnesses! No, instead I ended up scaling a massive hill (“Turn around and go back the way you came!” “No, let’s just see what’s at the top of the hill!”), then deciding to walk/slide down the other side on my rear end! I was now covered in dirt, my grey tracky bs were a fetching shade of brown and my hands were red and grazed from trying to hang on to clumps of earth as I careered to the bottom of the hill! It must have been hilarious to watch and as I slowly got to my feet, I could feel eyes on me! I looked up slowly and locked eyes with something! In a second of wild panic, my heart dropped to my knees as I thought a wild dog was ready to pounce…then the little wallaby hopped off, leaving me alone again, like the complete wally that I am!

The hill I slid down, which doesn’t even look that bad in this picture frustratingly! But it sent my rear end that colour!

It was at this point that I started to worry.  Until then, it had just been mildly amusing that I didn’t really know where I was, but now my feet were aching, I was covered in dirt and I only had a sip of water left! “I told you we should have turned back ages ago!” “Okay, you were right again! Shut the hell up!” I got my phone out, took a photo of the hill I’d just bum-surfed down (perhaps I could send it to my rescue team?!) and got Google maps up! I only had 30% battery left and according to the map, I was four kilometres away from a road, so I started limping in the general direction, consulting the map every now and then.  I was now out of water and thinking of who I could phone to rescue me, but decided that was pointless at this stage as they couldn’t reach me until I got to the road anyway, so just kept on plodding.  It would have been really helpful if the track had been nice and flat at this point, but no, it was very hilly and I was starting to feel extremely sorry for myself! Then I saw a “revegetation” sign in the distance, which filled me with joy because it meant I was at least on the right trail now!

A bit further along the track, I felt a crunch under my foot.  I looked down and saw some broken glass…THE broken glass from earlier! Hooray! I must have come around in a big loop as I was back on my original path! My step perked up again, as I realised the mental retreat was just around the bend (no pun intended!).  Clearly a bit delirious at this point, my mind had the following argument with itself: “Go and ask them to give you a lift back to the car!” “But what if they think I’m insane and don’t let me out again!” “Well at least go and ask for some water!” “But what if it’s like Wolf Creek and some crazy guy is going to keep me imprisoned and torture me?!” “Don’t be ridiculous! At the very least, go and check it out, it’s right here!” “But I’m back on the right track now, so I know how to get to the car!” “But it’s at least another four kilometres back up a really steep hill and you have no water left!”

My rational side won for once (I think), so I turned down the long driveway and tentatively approached the building. The driveway was about a kilometre long, so there was plenty of time to: doubt my actions, wonder why there was a car parked nowhere near the building, have another Wolf Creek scenario run through my mind, before I reached the front door.  I knocked on the door of the mental hospital and ironically there was nobody home! (Sorry, very bad joke!) I peeked through the window and the whole place was empty and didn’t look used.  Then I saw a guy in a high vis jacket in a field and madly waved at him! He waved back. I beckoned for him to come over, which he did and I quickly realised he couldn’t speak English very well.  Just what I needed at this point! I decided against asking him for a lift, but did ask/mime for water. He disappeared inside and reemerged with two bottles! I declined one as I needed one hand free to hang on while climbing back up the hill, but thanked him and walked back along the very long driveway sipping my water and hoping that my muddy arse didn’t look too ridiculous! I looked down at the bottle and the water was called “thankyou”. I decided not to dwell on the fact that thank you is in fact two words (although it clearly bothered me, as I’m mentioning it now) and instead marvel at the strangeness of the whole situation.  I have since googled this place and can find no existence of it! It felt a bit like a mirage, apart from the fact that I had a physical bottle in my hand, so quickly got my phone out again so I had could have photographic evidence!

My real water bottle, not a mirage!

I was now back at the road before the steep climb back up to the car and, although hydrated, really couldn’t bear the thought of scaling the hill, so I sat down and started calling and messaging people.  One friend was in Brisbane, Ian was at work, thought I was an absolute moron and said if I was still lost in an hour when he finished, he would come to get me! I sent an SOS message to some other friends but was now down to 8% battery so thought I had better just bite the bullet and get myself back up there! Everything was now hurting, so the stops were frequent, but I finally made it back to the top of the hill and without falling over again, may I add!

I was so elated when I emerged from the trees to where my car was parked, that I stopped with a smile of satisfaction on my face to take it all in.  The next second, there was an almighty screeching and two mynah birds came swooping towards my head looking like possessed feathered devils, beaks wide open and crazy eyes bulging! “Don’t even think about it!” I yelled, flailing my arms about like a windmill and brandishing my fluorescent pink water bottle around my head like an axe! I sprinted (well, as close as I can get to a sprint!) to my car and dived into my seat, puffing and panting like a crazy woman, with my thighs on fire! That was proof right there, that when you think you can’t move another step, if something is chasing you, you can run!

Just to add insult to injury, my sat nav then decided to take me round in a big circle on the drive home.  You know, because instead of a little morning jaunt, I had been out the entire day and so obviously needed an extra scenic route in my life! The positive (because you should always search for at least one!): I had walked nearly 25,000 steps on that walk, so there was no marching in front of the TV that evening!

PS. Note to self: next time I go bush walking (because even after this debacle, you know I’ll be off on my next ridiculous adventure again soon!), I must wear bug spray! I think it was the March flies (horse flies) as I whacked a couple off my arms earlier, but my elbow swelled up like a balloon and was so sore for two days afterwards! This was added to my sore toes from being tipped forward in my walking shoes so much, the nails and tips were all tender and bruised, as was my bum from sliding down the hill! The hobbling wounded!