A very, very, very hard week, but I came out of it laughing at least…

Monday:

I was very nervous this morning as it was fertility clinic day.  Ian tried to leave without mentioning it, so I asked if he was going to wish me luck?! He mumbled it, but there was no feeling behind it.☹️

Mia, on the other hand, was my substitute husband!  I was dropping her off at kindy and she grabbed my face with her little hands and said “Good luck in Brisbane, Mummy! I’ll be thinking about you all day!” Now that’s what I want from Ian!!!

I was completely over-emotional, so cried on the way to work, but managed to pull it together when I got there, although most of my work colleagues knew I was going and that it was weighing on my mind. 

I left at lunchtime, stopped off for an energising smoothie and drove to Brisbane. I went through the whole spectrum of emotions and thoughts on that drive.  Three years of trying and this is our last shot!  I just want Ian on the same page, but it has been such a hard slog to get here that I think he’s been checked out of the emotional side of it for a while!😒

I tried to think positively and went in for my scan. There was a follicle on my right ovary which I was very excited about seeing as there’s never usually anything there, but the doctor wasn’t enthusiastic and said he would have hoped to have seen more action at this point, so it was pretty disappointing overall. He sent me for a blood test and said he would probably up my dosage of gonal f following that and see me again on Thursday! Wow, so much driving coming up! The best thing about going for a blood test is you get your parking validated from there, which is good because we’re skint again and all these clinic visits are adding up, so I’ll save where I can!

My petrol light came on going through the city centre so I hoped I had enough to get to the petrol station off the M2 as that was the only one I knew! Unfortunately there was a major accident on that road and they closed the whole highway, so I got off at Redbank before getting to the standstill and asked Google maps to help me out! Well, I don’t know what happened, but the distance kept changing and I ended up going round in circles for my first choice of petrol station, so selected another one. I was petrified the car was just going to conk out as I had been on 0kms left on the screen for at least 25kms, but finally spotted a BP garage! (Other petrol stations are available, I just can’t bloody find them!🙄)

I didn’t have a clue where I was now and it was starting to get dark. Luckily google maps is cleverer than me and had worked out that there had been an accident, so took me on a handy detour and I got home from there without incident.  Phew!

As soon as I got through the door, Mia asked how Brisbane had gone (of course she did!).  Ian said he would talk about it when she had gone to bed!🙄

I told him what had happened and he seemed non-committal.  I’m not sure if it’s a coping mechanism or he really doesn’t give a shit, but it’s so frustrating!😫

Tuesday: 

Dr Yazdani rang and my blood tests show nothing is happening.☹️. He wants to up my gonal f from 100mg to 300 and see if that wakes my ovaries up!

I went to my therapy session and verbal diarrhoea-ed all over her couch. Tissues needed!  (Re-reading that, it sounds disgusting! But I did innocently mean for my tears!😳) Yvette wants me to focus on the areas of my life where Ian DOES support me, rather than the baby thing, because if I’m fixated on that, we’re not going to have the relationship to make the baby in the first place! It does make sense to me, so “I’ll give it a go”, I thought! However, he didn’t come home from work on time, so when I rang to see where he was (having a drink down the yard with his workmates – not meant to be drinking!!!😡) I was already struggling not to lose my shit! I blame the hormone levels following all these needles! He got in and apparently I was nagging if I asked a question now, so it’s easier not to talk! I tried to tell him how I’m feeling and ended up blubbing all over the place! Why is everything so crap between us at the time I need it to be solid?!?!?!😒

There wasn’t enough liquid left in my first pen so I had to have two injections tonight – lucky me!😣

I pulled myself together to make dinner and just got it ready before I had to leave for pilates. Petrina had sent me a text earlier to see if I was coming and said it was at her house, so I arrived to find nobody there. Well, no class, just her husband and kids! I showed her husband the text and then rang her and it was at the studio as usual! I told her about the text and when I finally arrived there, showed her and she pointed out that that text was from April!!!😲 What the hell?!?! Somehow I had read an old text instead of the new one!😖Just bloody typical at the moment! I honestly felt like crying, but tried to see the funny side. Felt like a dickhead though!🙈

Got home and Ian told me had a pounding head so wasn’t in the mood for baby making tonight! Isn’t that usually the woman’s excuse?!?! Frustrated isn’t the word!😑 Tomorrow night is the night…allegedly!

Wednesday:

Mia was up mega early as she had a bad dream!😴 Got ready and rushed her off to holiday play and I went to work. We heard squealing coming from the kitchen and it turned out two of the girls at work had found a mum and baby possum hiding in the air vents! The RSPCA came out to investigate and patched up where they were getting through, but I reckon we’ve got a whole posse of possums up there, seeing as on Graduation night it sounded like a truck was driving over the roof!😬

My colleague said “I bet you’re allergic to them!” as I always get a blocked up nose at work even if I’ve been fine beforehand. That would certainly explain it. That, or I’m allergic to work, which is also a high possibility.🙊

Our possum posse!

One of my students informed me that “shit” isn’t a swear word, as they say it in the Bible! When I asked her what she meant she said “Like, people take a shit!” Somehow, I don’t think that’s what Jesus would do!😳

I got left to lock up on my own again, so as soon as it hit 5pm I was out of there! Now it’s not just the ghosts that could be after me, it’s the possum posse!

I went to Zumba and started sneezing incessantly towards the end! And with no possums in the vicinity! This happens a lot after I exercise and according to Dr Google it’s perfectly common! I was dropping Dani home and couldn’t find a tissue, so I’m sure I looked like one of those gross preschool kids who walk around with snot tracks down their face!🤢

When we had come out of Zumba, some bird (I’m guessing a pelican from the sheer size of it!) had shat all down the side of my car window, which was a wonderful present! 😐 Then I proceeded to get completely lost taking Dani home, which was a little embarrassing, but her estate is like a rabbit warren and all the roads look the same to me!

Guess who forgot to pull something out of the freezer for dinner?!…ha! Not me for once! Ian had said he would pull something out and cook while I was at Zumba, but had forgotten.  I made sure to be extra sarcastic after he moaned so much at me last week! Pot kettle! We ended up with a fisherman’s basket from the local chippy though, so I shouldn’t complain!😋

Tonight was the night for lurve and without TMI it actually went really well! Let’s hope I finally popped an egg out to coincide!🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Thursday:

“Don’t breathe on me!” Mia said to me after she clambered into MY bed first thing!  What a charmer?!😒

We went to Grand Central shopping centre in the morning to meet friend and decorated donuts from Donut King as part of the school holiday program. Mia was crushing on my friend’s little boy and it was pretty tragic!🙈 

Literally crushing her new crush! There is no cool in her game!😳

Then we went to the craft station to make butterfly wings and the helper tried to rip me off and give me a butterfly headband minus a butterfly!  I pointed it out and she dismissed me with “That’s how it came in the packet!” but all the others clearly had them, so I fished in the bucket and got a better one! One of the other helpers informed the head helper and dirty looks ensued, but I wasn’t being robbed off with a defective butterfly headband!  To stand my ground further, I got Mia to pose for a photo with her “all butterflies intact” headband on, just to prove a point!  Yes, I can be petty, but there are no (defective butter)flies on me!🙊

Happy to pose with fully fledged butterflies!

We quickly dashed home to do French tutoring which I had to bring it forward as I was off to Brisbane to the fertility clinic again!😬 My lovely friend Deb offered to take Mia so she didn’t have to laugh at my vagina again😑 and off I set! 

So many thoughts whizz through my brain on that drive. Mostly psyching myself up. Steeling myself that if it’s bad news, I’m fine with it….

But “No, I’m sorry, nothing appears to be happening still smacked me in the face like a king hit! Why do I let that tiny part of me get my hopes up?! “We’ll send you for a blood test and if anything at all is happening, we’ll keep going…but if it’s not…I think it’s time to close the door.”…………………………………………. We discussed that I need to be on the pill to balance my hormones and I asked “What if I go on the pill for a few months to balance my hormones, then come off and try again?!”

“You could, but you’ve got a 2% lifetime chance of falling pregnant now you’re not responding to meds. You probably will ovulate again, but it might be in 2 months, or it might be in 2 years! You can’t put your life on hold indefinitely just in case. It’s shitty. It’s a shitty situation. Life is just shitty sometimes. I’m sorry. But you have done everything you could possibly do. It’s not your fault. You couldn’t do any more.”

Gone. Broken. Floods of tears. The number of times I had thought I had accepted it, but the finality of doing everything I could and still failing just cut through me like broken glass. Three years of changing my diet and exercise, swallowing a million supplements, acupuncture, chiropractor, therapist, Chinese medicine, umpteen specialists and…the same result! What a load of bullshit!😫😖😣

The one slight blessing: I didn’t have to pay today. They said it was bulk billed, which was a bit weird!  Then it was the blood test. Again. The last glimmer of hope. I had the lady I’d had a few weeks ago who shares my birthday. She’s lovely and chatty, but I just wanted to cry so was biting my lip the whole time. Grabbed some free biscuits to cram in my mouth in the car and validated my ticket to get the free parking. Well I need some compensation for this crappy situation!  Got into the car and let everything pour out, but then realised I only had ten minutes to get out of there so half pulled it together.  I looked at the bird shit on the window and thought “That’s a good blog title!”😢

A big blob of bird shit to pile more shit onto how shitty I feel right now, which is massively shitty!💩😭

I walked through the door, saw Ian and burst into tears. We cuddled for ages and he just knew. As horrible as I felt, this was the closest we have been in so long and I know he was feeling my pain. I realised that he had been in this with me but had appeared distant to save himself from the hurt. When I looked into the tears in his eyes, I just realised that we had been in this together the whole time. “Why are you crying, Mummy!” said Mia. “Just some bad news, sweetheart.” replied Ian. “What is it?” she said. I couldn’t speak right then. “Family cuddle!”she said and threw her arms around both of us.👨‍👩‍👧💔

When Mia had gone to bed, we discussed everything that had happened. “Why don’t you try going on and off the pill then?” said Ian. “No, it’s just perpetuating the agony.” I said. “We need to close the door. Sell all the baby things. Move on.”

We did the last injection, just in case.

Friday:

I didn’t sleep well, unsurprisingly.

At 8am Dr Yazdani called. “I’m sorry. The blood test shows nothing is happening…”

I was completely ready for that response, but still instantly got a lump in my throat. I tried to end the conversation as quickly as I could so as not to expose myself, but as soon as I hung up, I sobbed like a baby. Mia came running over. “What’s wrong, Mummy?!”

To tell her or not to tell her?! Honesty is the best policy, I thought.

“Bad news, sweetheart. You’re not going to have a baby brother or sister…I’m sorry. I did everything I could, but it didn’t work.”

Mia had a little cry: “But I wanted a baby sister!”

“I know, sweetheart. I wanted that too. I’m really sorry. I tried my best.”

“…It’s okay, Mummy. It’s not your fault. You’re just yourself. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a baby. You’re still you and I’m in your heart. I love you!”

Oh bloody hell!😭😭😭Not helping in the “stopping me sobbing” stakes, but what a little angel! If I’m only meant to have one baby on this earth, I am so glad it’s her!

If I hadn’t had eyebrows like hedges and shitty hair and nails, I would have stayed in bed all day feeling sorry for myself! But the shopping arrived while I was still bleary eyed in my pjs, so I had to get it together and get on with my day.

The unfortunate side of blogging is that everyone is on your fertility journey with you, so the minute they see you, they want an update!😢 The fortunate side is that they’re also there to pick you back up again!🤗

I went to Cheree’s (Stella skin and beauty) and lost it in approximately 5 seconds! Luckily she was there to give me the pep talk I needed and popped a bottle of Moët to boot, which obviously made me feel a bit better straight away!🍾 Mia wanted to stay there and play with her little friend, so I got to go to the hairdressers kid free for a change! I managed to update everyone on the situation without crying this time, but I did well up especially when Julz (Nails by Julz) had a little sob! Out came the muscato and the Bombay mix: alcohol is clearly the answer!🥂

My hair went very pink, but it was time for a makeover anyway! (Thanks Bec @ Smarty’s!)

Pink hair don’t care!

I took my car through the car wash to get rid of the mahoosive bird poo on my window and Cheree dropped Mia off to me. 

We went home and decided to have a big fat takeaway and drinks. Ian suggested we do the very last injection just in case. Why is he so enthusiastic when it’s the end of the road?!🤷🏼‍♀️

Ian ended up as pissed as a fart and couldn’t even stand up straight, let alone perform, so I put him on the “naughty wall” aka husband time out!🙊

Husband time out for getting too pissed!

 I stayed up a bit later finishing drinks and watching TV but…

Saturday: 

Got up early to do parkrun. Was still a bit fuzzy headed. Got back and had a little time with Ian. We are enthusiastically “baby making” at the minute and I’m not sure why?! Confused!🤔

Mia and I are going to the Sunny coast to stay with my friend Bec for a few days. I think I just need a break and a bit of time to process…

We stopped off at Esk to have a little reminisce on the way.  This is where we lived when we first moved to Australia and Mia was only 2 so I showed her the playground she used to play on (mainly because that’s pretty much the only thing to do there! It’s tiny!). She climbed to the top of the climbing frame to emphasise how much she has grown up since we were last there and then almost gave me a heart attack when she let go right at the top to swat a fly away and I had visions of a broken neck!😳

Not the place to be letting go and fly swatting!🙈

Back on the road and I took a random short cut, which was actually more like a dirt track! I almost squashed a Tommy Roundhead which darted across in front of me (I don’t know what they’re actually called, but that’s what Ian calls them!  They’re a type of lizard!) and had to pull over if anything came the other way as there was only enough track for one vehicle!

Finally made our way back to the main road and got to Bec’s new place.  We had a takeaway, drinks and a big chat which made me feel much better.  She’s been going through a rough few months too, so it was good to chat it all out!

We put the kids to sleep all in the same room, but halfway through the night Mia and Bec swapped places, so I woke up with Mia’s feet in my face!😑

Sunday: 

Bec had the best idea of taking us all for a pedicure and it was just what the doctor ordered! It was also Mia’s first one and she was so excited!  Quality Mummy daughter experience to remind me to be thankful that I have this little treasure!

So proud that she took a photo of her feet with her My Little Pony app!🙊

Then we had the windiest beach trip ever!  Thankfully not the bottom variety, but there is only so much sand whipping into your face that you can take before you have to call it a day!😣

We went back to the park over the road from Bec’s so the kids could burn off some more energy aka sleep tonight!  Mia was on a one girl mission to prove that girls are braver than boys and proceeded to scale the climbing frame higher than Zac and his friends to highlight the point! (Definitely her Dad’s side coming out there!). If she’s just like her Dad, then she will typically get overcocky and cause herself some kind of injury, so I was happy when she was back on terra firma and just a little bit proud when she high-fived me and said “Girl power!”☺

“In your face, boys!”😜

Not seeing the funny side!🤣🤣🤣

This will serve as an important lesson for her to not get too overconfident, it’s great fodder in her ever-growing 18th Birthday blooper reel and it really made me laugh, which is so important for me right now!  Yes, I feel deflated, exhausted and broken, but I have the funniest little daughter who keeps me going when I want to crawl into a hole and not come out and for her, I am truly grateful!

Thanks for reading.  It’s not always fun and games, but I will keep trying to find the humour in these situations.  When all else fails…laugh!