I had one of those weeks last week, where you feel like a yo-yo and aren’t quite sure if you are going to make it through in one piece or not. Well I did. Just. And here I am to tell the tale!

Monday:

I hate Mondays!  No matter how prepared I think I am, I always end up running late! Mia must have some inbuilt sensor to this, as she is always extra clingy on the kindy drop-off on a Monday.  Usually she runs off happily, without even a backward glance, but not today! Finally convinced her to let go with an imaginary race to the window to wave goodbye!  Of course she was going to win, I can’t run in heels! I can barely walk in them!

I got a text that Mia’s party invites were ready, so escaped on my lunch break to fetch them, only to find that they had the wrong time printed on them! Back to the printers they went!

I fancied something yummy for lunch to put me in a better mood so took ages deliberating, finally decided on a venue, only to find that it was closed, with a sign saying they hadn’t paid their rent! Let down!  Decided to go somewhere similar closer to work, but they only took cash, which I didn’t have! Went to an ATM and prayed there were enough funds, which is our typical fortnightly two days before pay day state! Just! Phew!

After work I dashed to my GP to get a referral letter to a new fertility clinic I have been recommended in Brisbane.  The receptionist at the clinic was meant to e-mail me all the paperwork (apparently there is stacks, what’s new?!), but it didn’t arrive, so I rang back and apparently it can only be actioned by her! So I have to wait until tomorrow! Great! ?

Tuesday:

A day of appointments. This fertility shiz is so draining! Started with the chiropractor. He was cracking me about all over the place, so I’m not sure if Mia thought he was attacking me or what, but the next thing I knew she was karate chopping him and screaming “Don’t hurt my Mummy!” at the top of her lungs!? I tried calming her down, but she had apparently declared all out war and every time I lay back down, she’d go for him again! In the end I had to shout at her and threaten her with time-out before she took the blinded bit of notice.  The chiropractor took it all very good-humouredly, but it was all extremely embarrassing! Part of me appreciates her loyalty, but this clearly wasn’t the time or the place!

Then, a hectic dash around the shops for fancy dress outfits for Friday’s playgroup party and birthday presents for the THREE parties that Mia was invited to on the coming weekend! Why does everything happen at once?!

Next up was a new acupuncture clinic, which I found on a Facebook group I belong to, being shared by someone in the States, which is actually located in Toowoomba! Go figure?! A sign or a coincidence?! If you want to see a sign, I think you will see a sign, so in a positive vein, it was a sign! The guy was very thorough and informative and I would have relaxed into it, had Mia not been sitting right next to my head blaring YouTube videos into my ear! At least she was sitting quietly though…until she pressed something and my screen wanted the passcode and then Siri came on; Mia screamed incessantly for me to help her and I couldn’t move as I was a human pin cushion!?  After calmly (ish) repeating instructions in a low tone until she took notice and finally followed said instructions, Disney Collector was back on again and all was well in the world…except for a massive pain in my thumb where I had jerked up before remembering I was pinned and a bright red hole in my forehead which Mia insisted on pointing out to everyone we saw for the rest of the afternoon !

The appointment took a bit longer than expected, so from here we made a mad dash across town to Mia’s gymnastics class, where the overly strict instructor refuses to let kids in an age 4-6 class take part if they are more than 15 minutes late! And God help you if you forget your water bottle, don’t have your hair tied back or are not wearing skin-tight clothing!  We arrived approximately 12 minutes late, I was given a death stare by the instructor and Mia was made to do running drills to warm up! Ah well, standards are good, I suppose!?

Rang the clinic to chase up the paperwork.  Was promised it would be re-sent. It didn’t arrive!?

Tuesday marked 9 years since my Mum passed away and it affects me more than I realise sometimes, so I was probably highly irritable anyway, but I felt like I was pinballing from one thing to another that day with no support, so I lamented having to go and get groceries after gymnastics, as I thought Ian should have offered.  But he’d been “working hard” all day, so he couldn’t possibly! I have no doubt that he works hard every day, but him thinking that just because he has a physical job, therefore he has a harder life, is a bone of contention between us! That and he had clearly forgotten the date, which I know is a typical man trait, but right there and then was the most annoying thing in the world! Cue a few slanderous comments, flipping the bird at each other and me driving off in a huff to the shops!  Then dinner that I made that I didn’t have time to eat because I had a Pilates class, got home and Ian and Mia were already in bed. Ate dinner on my own, lit a candle for Mum and had a good old sob while looking through old photos! Drained!?

Wednesday:

Didn’t get much sleep, so resembled a character from the Walking Dead. Mia went two for two with clinginess at drop off and I felt like I was having her surgically removed from my leg! Fun start to the day! It was Teddy Bear’s picnic at kindy so we had got ready extra early in pyjamas, picked her teddy, prepared a plate of food (who am I kidding, I bought biscuits!) and I still ended up running late! Ironically as I hit every red light on the way to work, Lorde’s “Green light” song was playing. “I’m waiting for it, that green light, I want it!” has never resonated more!

After a hectic morning with my crazy class, I went to visit a school to discuss the course I teach with my CEO. She did all the talking to the packed staff room, while I nodded and smiled and looked enthusiastic. Then she directed a question about a course that I know nothing about at me and I stood there like a floundering mute for a second, before admitting I had no idea! So professional!  I got back to the office and had a couple of appointments, before I got back to my desk to a voicemail from Mia’s kindy asking me to call them ASAP! The conversation went like this:

Teacher: “Hi Emma! Sorry to bother you, but Mia’s had an incident with the scissors.  She’s decided to give herself a haircut. I’m really sorry. We were doing a cutting activity and I only turned around for a second…”

? Since I know my daughter has form with scissors (she cut her hair for the first time at Ian’s Mum’s wedding) and is a little sneak, I was quick to reassure her teacher that I in no way blamed her.

Me: “Is it bad?!”

Teacher: “Um…”

Everything I needed to know right there!?

Teacher: “Shall I send you a photo?”

Me: “Yes please! I’ll let my husband know, because he’s the one picking her up tonight.”

Teacher: “Yes, she said.”

Me: “Oh?”

Teacher: ” I said “Mummy’s going to be so disappointed when she comes to pick you up!” and she said: “It’s okay, Daddy’s picking me up tonight!”

?Cheeky little bugger!

Me: “She’s got an answer for everything!”

Teacher: “Yes. Well, I must also apologise because I was so shocked that I shouted at her and she ran off and hid in the toilets. I think she was embarrassed!”

Me: “Good! She needs to know it’s serious!” At Ian’s Mum’s wedding she had run off and hid in a chicken coop! In the dark! So I thought that would be enough to put her off future Edward Scissorhands episodes, but clearly not!

This is what I received with the following text:

Hi Emma,
When I told her that I had spoken with you, she asked what did Mummy say? I said that you were disappointed that she had cut her hair. She looked at me and said “I am a bit disappointed in me too.”

?Ugh! Now I couldn’t even be mad at her, because she’s too bloody cute!

It doesn’t even look as bad from that picture, so I took a few of my own when we got home!

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Luckily, I had Chicks at the Flicks at the cinema booked with some friends that evening, so I could escape the madhouse for a while and have a bit of a vent!  I had a cocktail, chatted with the girls and even won a raffle prize! A couple of hours of bliss amongst a sea of chaos! Nice while it lasted!

It didn’t take much getting into character for this! Should have changed the title to “Rough Week” though!?

Got home and Ian was already in bed so still haven’t discussed anything since our argument yesterday! Also still no paperwork from the clinic, so I’m just going to have to turn up unprepared – story of my life!

Thursday:

Today I drove to Brisbane to check out the new fertility clinic, well, new to me.  I had been recommended a reproductive endocrinologist by a new work colleague who said, at the very least, he would be able to get to the bottom of everything and I’m at the stage now where, regardless of the outcome, I just need to know what the hell is going on with my body, so I made an appointment.  She had told me it could take 4-6 weeks to get in, so I thought I would have time to save some pennies, but they conveniently had a cancellation so that I could panic about how I was actually going to pay!  My friend generously agreed to watch Mia for the day so that she couldn’t karate chop any specialists and it was nice to have some time to myself and belt out some tunes on the way there. When I arrived, they asked for the paperwork I hadn’t been sent, so frantically tried to fill it out before I was called, but was only halfway down the first side when the specialist came to fetch me.  I had shoved all my medical paperwork into a folder, but hadn’t sorted it into date order, so must have looked majorly disorganised, but he was nice enough not to comment.  He was very personable, if a little eccentric, and I felt fairly relaxed, well, as relaxed as you can feel when your private areas are going to be scrutinised!  A scan showed zero follicles on my right side (apparently there are meant to be 15-20) and at first look, nothing on my left and just when all seemed lost and barren “Ooh, hang on, there’s one!” One follicle on the left!  He gave me an examination (?) and went off to study my blood tests and then I walked in for the verdict…

“It does look like premature menopause and it is most likely hereditary through the female side of your family, so you will need to alert any siblings or offspring.  You have a daughter, right?”

No matter how much I think I have now steeled myself to all this, now that I learnt this could affect Mia too, I lost it a bit.  Blubbing in doctor’s offices is becoming a bit of an embarrassing party trick! But I suppose it is better to be aware of the future, rather than it to come as a shock further down the track.  There are things we can do: freeze her eggs for example, but back to the matter at hand.

After he had fetched a box of tissues, he said that he didn’t want to give me any false hope, but equally he would tell me if I was completely wasting my time.  He gave me around a 5% chance of being able to conceive naturally. However, the fact that there was a follicle visible and he could see from my blood tests that my hormone levels were up and down, something was still happening in there.  He told me I qualified for a government-funded clinic trial on ovulation if I wanted to go for it and if we got any decent eggs as a byproduct, we could save them for IVF without the hefty price tag.  Unfortunately it would mean driving to Brisbane every couple of days for monitoring and testing which would add 4 hours at least to my days…but what an opportunity! He asked me to go home and discuss it with Ian, who would also have to come in for rigorous testing, plus give up the fags and booze for a while in order to have optimum swimmers!  I could see this going down like a lead balloon!?  He did warn me that we only have a 12 month window for any baby dreams, as my body is severely lacking in certain hormones and needs to be on the contraceptive pill to be getting everything I need.  Obviously if I’m on the pill, I can’t get pregnant, but if I’m not, I’m risking osteoporosis, heart disease and stroke! I left with a lot to think about, but I already knew deep down what I wanted to do.  I hadn’t spent the last two years searching for answers to turn back now!

I got to my friend’s house and was greeted by Mia looking like this:

Typical Mia!? She had to be at dance class in 15 minutes, so I chucked her into her ballet gear and took her with her face like that!  Kids can get away with looking crazy luckily!

I relayed all the info to Ian when we got home and he said “I’m not sure I really want another baby actually!” Understandably this didn’t go down well with me! “I have not spent the last two and a half years of my life trying to work out ways around this situation, seeing specialists, getting acupuncture, going to special chiropractors, overhauling my diet and taking a million and one magic supplements for you to turn around and say this, Ian!”?

Ping! Got a text from my friend saying she would see me for my massage later.  The massage I had booked in 4 weeks ago and forgotten all about.  Opened up my calendar.  Oh yes, there it was! I had just failed to notice it amongst every other thing I was doing this week!? As much as I just wanted to crawl into bed, a massage was just what the doctor ordered and my knotty shoulders were especially grateful!

Friday:

Break up party at playgroup with a fancy dress circus theme!  I really couldn’t be bothered, but as a volunteer, I have to set a good example and it was about time Mia and I had some fun, so we went to town! I was a clown with an extra big lipstick smile and Mia was a tightrope walker, which worked out well because I could gel her ridiculous hair flat to her head and put it up!  We had a great time, but what I hadn’t planned ahead for was the fact that I had to go straight from there to a work meeting…looking like this!?

I obviously had the choice of quickly wiping it off, but ran the risk of my lipstick looking like some weird rash, so I thought the best solution was if I walked in dressed up as way of explanation and then removed it.  Given that it turned out to be a very serious, stressful meeting, it wasn’t perhaps my best decision, but did give a few people a laugh.  Whoops!?

Finally had the chance to talk to Ian about everything rationally and we decided we will go for the trial.  I don’t want to look back in 5 years and wonder what might have happened.  Ian is more concerned about giving up the cigarettes and alcohol, but it will be worth it if it works! And if it doesn’t, we might have prolonged his life a bit, seeing as he’s been promising to give up smoking FOREVER!  He said he would give up when Mia was born and she’s 5 next month, for God’s sake!?

Saturday:

Started the day with Parkrun and a celebratory breakfast for a friend’s 100th parkrun! I rarely go for breakfast afterwards as Mia has swimming lessons on Saturday mornings, but I had pre-booked Ian to take her so I could get everything sorted for the two birthday parties we had to attend later.  Typically when you’re in a rush, our breakfast took eons to arrive, so had to wolf it down and pelt out of there. Indigestion city!

Mia had double-booked parties, well actually I had already accepted the invite to one and Mia had turned on the waterworks to full capacity that she couldn’t go to the other, so I ended up calling both Mums, asking one if she minded if we left early and one if she minded if we arrived late! The things you have to do! Luckily nobody minded, or at least said they didn’t!  The first was a 3 year old ballerina party and the second a 5 year old boy’s party, so we decided on a Supergirl shirt and a tutu to cover both!  Mia was most excited about double cake, so it was quite ironic that we managed to miss the birthday cake at both parties! I suppose that you can’t have your cake (by going to both parties) and eat it too!

By party number two, someone was extremely overtired and had a meltdown because she couldn’t climb up a slide the wrong way on the bouncy castle! No, it wasn’t me! I just about managed to hold it together until we got home, but a screaming, crying diva, in front of parents I had never met before, was enough for me to make a quick exit, apologising profusely as we left!

As my Saturday evening descended into takeaway pizza and alcohol (sorry healthy eating plan, this week has been way too stressful), I was just starting to relax and enjoy my evening when I got a text from my Dad casually informing me that he was in hospital awaiting a kidney transplant! What the actual?!  He reassured me that it probably wouldn’t even happen and I went to bed and attempted to sleep.

Sunday:

I awoke to a text saying he was on his way into theatre! So it was happening then! There are times when living the other side of the world to each other is just damn inconvenient and this was definitely one of them!  To add insult to injury, I discovered it was also Fathers Day over there, so panic messaged my friend, who dashed out to get something and took it to the hospital later on for me! What an angel! The operation appeared to have gone well, so fingers crossed for no bad reactions!

Meanwhile, on our side of the world, it was Mia’s ballet concert, so I gelled and hairsprayed her hacked hair into as neat a bun as I could muster and had to use Mummy spit in between dances when it started sticking out! She took it all very seriously, which shocked us as parents, as it was only two years ago, she was finding it hilarious to stand on stage with her skirt up over her head flashing her knickers at the audience! My little flasher is growing up!

Next up was the final party of the weekend and I collapsed into a chair and didn’t move for the majority of it. I was probably horrendous company, but I had reached my limit!  I think when you know you don’t have to keep going anymore, your body shuts down and I was in a comotose state but still awake, just!

So there endeth my crazy week! What did I learn?

I still have a small shot at having a baby, it ultimately only takes one decent egg, we just have to find it!

I have a crazy, dramatic, diva of a daughter, but, as frustrating as she is at times, I wouldn’t change her for the world!

Dad’s surprise text and Mum’s anniversary reminded me that life is short and all the stressful episodes will become funny memories to look back on, just like I look at the pictures and remember the fun times with my own Mum.  And ultimately, hair will grow back!  I am hoping for a few quieter weeks ahead though!