The last time I left you with the fertility story, I was feeling positive about having a cycle again and optimistic about the future. Well, that was short-lived! As with anything, when you can’t see results, you become disheartened.  My periods stopped again which made me more depressed and I got into a bit of a “fuck this shit” phase (pardon my French!) and basically drowned my sorrows in buckets of wine for a while. Not the best move, but sometimes comfort food and being numbed by alcohol helps…until you look in the mirror at your expanding waistline one day and think “When the bloody hell did that happen?!”

I had started seeing a new gynecologist, Dr. Cerqui, who had come recommended as having a good bedside manner, which, following Dr. Esler, “the Ice King”, could only have been an improvement! I wasn’t going to name names, but hey ho, I could leave him a less favourable review on “Rate my doctor” or whatever the website is called and he’s highly unlikely to ever read this! But, if you are by chance reading this Dr. Esler, “Your people skills are non-existent and maybe you should do some professional development in customer care!” Now, there are people who swear by him, but as soon as I refused the idea of IVF and the dollar signs over my head had disappeared, he was no longer interested.  I don’t think he wanted me to blot his copy book as far as success rates went. So I went elsewhere.

In the beginning, Dr. Cerqui wasn’t overly enthusiastic either, but at least he explained my options, or lack of them, in a nice manner.  He gave me ultrasounds and examinations on the first consultation, which Dr. Esler hadn’t even bothered with.  He had just sent me for  blood tests.  While we were doing the ultrasound, Dr. Cerqui got a little flustered and he eventually admitted that he couldn’t locate my left ovary. I asked if that was normal and he said no and that it was possible that I had an autoimmune disease that had attacked it, which might explain the premature menopause! So basically my ovary had shrivelled up and died?! As crazy as it sounded, it did make some sort of sense to me and would explain a lot of my symptoms.  He sent me for a whole range of blood tests and asked me to come back in a few weeks.

When I returned for the blood test results, he said it showed that I had an underactive thyroid (again! How many times was I going to get this diagnosis without it being sorted?!) and he wanted to put me on thyroxin straight away. He was under the impression that my thyroid could be responsible for a lot of my symptoms, particularly my hormone levels being all out of whack, and wanted to see if he could get those under control before we tried any specific fertility medication.  Again he stressed the fact that there was only a slim chance that we would achieve a pregnancy, but said it in a nice way and I was willing to give it a go.

Fast forward 6 weeks and a blood test later and my hormone levels had improved and he was happy with my progress, so upped my thyroxin intake. Fast forward another 6 weeks and my hormone levels were in normal range! Hooray! So then we talked fertility medication.  He asked if I was still anti IVF, so I explained that I had nothing against IVF personally, but my bank account certainly did, so that was out!  We decided to give Letrozole/Femara a try, which would try to force me to ovulate, but before that I needed a cycle.  He gave me a prescription for provera, which is designed to enforce an artificial bleed and then you take the Letrozole once the bleed has finished. So it is technically an artificial cycle. I had had another bout of bronchitis towards the end of the Summer holidays, so decided to wait until I had bounced back from that a bit before I started the process.

It was around this time that I decided to do a detox/28 day challenge through a friend, which was cutting out sugar and complex carbs, upping water intake and increasing physical activity.  The first week was so hard I felt like giving up! Fortunately/unfortunately depending on the circumstance, my pride won’t allow me to lose face on any sort of challenge, so I persevered.  I went to barbecues where I had to take my own food, I went to social gatherings and salivated in the corner while everyone else drank their wine and sat opposite my daughter while she devoured ice cream. Torture! But after the first week, I got into the groove. I wasn’t craving things as much as I was the first week and I just found myself in a routine.  Then at the end of the first week, the unthinkable happened…my period started naturally! I know this doesn’t sound like an amazing feat, but it had been absent for almost 12 months at this point and Dr Cerqui had said that if you  go over a year without a period, you are classed as post-menopausal! I felt like it had arrived just in the nick of time to reassure me that there was still life in the “ovary” yet and I wasn’t completely out of the game.  Now whether it was triggered by my diet, the thyroid medication, or both, I am unsure, but I had it and I felt so relieved! If you had told me in my early 20s that I would be celebrating the arrival of my period, I would have thought you were having a laugh, but there you go. I wasn’t even sure that I wanted kids back then either, but funny things happen when your body clock starts ticking!

So, I rang Dr Cerqui in an extremely over enthusiastic manner, to inform him that I had started my period (I know, it even sounds bloody weird to me and I did it!) and he did rain on my parade slightly by saying that we would wait until I had had 3 or more cycles in a row before we got too excited, but that we should definitely start on the Letrozole this cycle. I then had to book in to go and see him on day 12 of the cycle to see what was happening.  The plus point was that he confirmed that I couldn’t be classed as post menopausal now. Hooray for not quite having the reproductive system of a fifty year old! Celebrating the small wins here!

Day 12 arrived and I went for my ultrasound and it was all pretty darn positive! Apparently he could see some activity on my left ovary…hang on…my LEFT ovary?! The one that had shrivelled up and died?! Well, there it was on the screen as defined as it could be and with “some activity” to boot! My first question was “Is my right ovary there?!” immediately thinking that my ovaries might be playing some sick and twisted game of hide and seek with me! But no, it was there too, clearly defined and looking, dare I say, “normal”!  So what did “activity” mean? Well, he couldn’t see that I could clearly ovulated, but something was happening, which is a damn sight better than any other report in the last two years, so I was happy to take it.

So what next? Well I had 4 cycles worth of Letrozole left, so I was eagerly awaiting my next natural period, ready for the next shot.  But this is me, life is never simple and I’m still waiting…sigh! If it hasn’t arrived by tomorrow (a week late), I am to take the provera to induce a bleed and then take the Letrozole as I did last month. I have to do a pregnancy test before I take it, just in case, but it is highly unlikely.

Am I still positive we can eventually do this? Sometimes. Ebbs and flows.  Do I get majorly frustrated when friends get pregnant at the drop of a hat? Yes. Does that make me a bitter and twisted cowbag? No. Everybody is on their own path in life and there must be a reason why this is happening, I’ve just got to work it out before we run out of time. And if we do, I’ll still be grateful for what we have, just sad it didn’t go to plan.  This doesn’t mean that some days I don’t just want to chuck in the towel and go and get wasted, but I’m erring on the positive side of the tracks for the majority of time.

To add another piece to the puzzle, we were driving back from the coast last weekend and there was an advert on the radio for a fertility clinic, saying that the first round of IVF would now be free on Medicare!  Ian and I both looked at each other and I could just see him thinking “FFS! She’s going to want to go for this now!” but if it gave us another option, it is worth exploring in my opinion.  We may not even be eligible for it, but I have a feeling there are a few more twists and turns left on this roller coaster yet. I’ll keep you posted!