“Guess who’s back?  Back again?  Emma’s back, tell your friends!”😀

I have been on hiatus globetrotting (get me!), so am now further behind on life updates than previously thought possible!  I can’t just skip the back story though, as there is a lot to fill you in on, so grab a cuppa and settle in!  I might just be getting a little more time on my hands to devote to writing, so I may get to real-time (dangerous!) eventually, but hey, don’t quote me!  There is usually another shit-storm to clear up just around the corner, so I won’t get excited or complacent!

Anyway, where I left you last time, GH and I had declared a truce over the festive period for Mia’s sake and were not trading insults on the daily, which was a welcome change!

So, back at Christmas…

Monday:

Christmas Day!  I did my usual trick of waking up on edge from 4am onwards to see if I could hear little Mia footsteps, but that girl loves her sleep and didn’t even stir until around 7:30am, so I was overtired and groggy for no good reason!🙄

Mr T was in good spirits and into the spirits from ridiculously early on, but I let it go because “Christmas Truce” and it was nice to see him smile!  I had missed the smile!  He even feigned excitement at my stocking presents!  My Mum always filled our stockings with silly joke presents and I am happy to carry the baton of that tradition, but Ian doesn’t really get the point of wrapping up each individual nonsensical item.  I have protested that it is funny to see people’s reactions (I also like to tape up every single edge so you can’t get in!) and I have always loved giving presents more than receiving them actually.  Mia loved it, I got a kick out of it and Ian tolerated it!  Job done and lounge room trashed by 10am!  Phew!

Decided to join Mr T and got stuck into the Prosecco so I could ding dong merrily around the house and helped Mia put together horrendous amounts of plastic crap again!  Holy packaging!

Mr T was on Christmas lunch duty because he can deal with kitchen stress way better than me and his food naturally tastes nice.  He insists that he wants me to do Christmas lunch one year, but I am certain that he doesn’t actually mean that!  For example, he is very particular about his breakfast eggs and after having my efforts scraped into the bin on more than one occasion, (once I bought a heart-shaped frying pan for Valentine’s and they still didn’t make it to his stomach!)  I have resigned from cooking anything other than dinners that I am semi-comfortable with.  He did a great job in any case and even agreed to a dinner selfie!  I started to suspect that he had been body-snatched!

Christmas Dinner was consumed wearing swimwear as it was ridiculously hot – this will always be weird to me, as traditionally I would be rugged up in a tacky Christmas jumper and we wouldn’t leave the house for fear of frostbite!

Instead, I drunkenly agreed to testing out Mia’s new inflatable water slide and actually fancied myself as being quite agile!  Beware kids – alcohol provides you with an extremely false sense of security!  Surprised I didn’t pop the thing!

Ate and ate and ate some more, got happily sozzled and collapsed into a food and drink coma just after 7pm!  What a great day!

Tuesday:

Boxing Day!  We (when I say “we”, clearly I mean “I”) decided to have the inaugural “Tolcher Games Day” incorporating all of Mia’s new and old board games, which meant the rounds went into double figures!  Amazing!  GH was still HH which was very bizarre (possibly still inebriated!), but I wasn’t complaining!

Now I have been known to be a little competitive in my time (I blame being an only child and being allowed to win everything for my entire childhood!) but I don’t believe that you are doing your child any favours for life in the “Real World” if you allow them to win!  5 year olds, however, don’t take kindly to being thrashed by their mother, so there were a few tears.  I was, however, fairly gracious in victory and tried to teach her to be the same way in defeat, although the chalkboard victory was on proud display and I had to have a momentous photograph of the proud occasion!  Mwah ha ha!  Not sorry!

More stuffing of faces and guzzling of alcoholic beverages resulting in a late-afternoon couch crash.  I bloody love Christmas!

Wednesday:

Nothing but pure greed and sozzledness.  Pyjamas all day.  Sloth.

Mia, on the other hand, was a bundle of energy and finally perfected a seat drop on the trampoline and excitedly rushed over to tell me.  I got up to film it.  Exercise for the day done!

Thursday:

Today we left the house, ladies and gentlemen!  Our friend, Kristyn, was leaving for Darwin as her husband is in the army and they had been posted there, so we had a last play-date for the kids at the Army playgroup which just so happened to be “Messy Play” which is my most hated of “play” but I much prefer it when it is on somebody else’s property, aka I don’t have to clean all the mess up!😅

Mia certainly took the theme as intended, however I had already planned to go shopping at Grand Central afterwards to check out the sales and spend some Christmas vouchers and boy, did we get some looks?!😒  “Messy play!”  I said to every shop assistant, before they even had a chance to comment!  After threatening to dirty one too many mannequins, I left the vouchers for another day and went home.

Ian and Mia did Science experiments from one of her Christmas gifts and I escaped for Part Two of “Farewell Kristyn”, the Mums only part!  Well, I was certain that I had heard “Mums only” but everyone else had their kids with them!  Whoops!  Damn selective hearing!🙊

Anyway, not one to miss an opportunity, I cracked the Prosecco, but ended up having to take half the bottle home as people either didn’t drink it or had rubbish excuses like having to pack their lives up or look after their children, so I took one for the team.😅  Apparently you are not meant to drive around with open bottles of alcohol (something to do with the law?!) so in probably the most genius way  ever to stop a bottle, Dani put a cake pop in and it fitted like a glove!  It also combined two of my favourite things for when I got home!  Happy days!

Friday:

Christmas voucher shopping take two!  Why do I always buy t-shirts?!  I made a promise to myself to buy a new pair of jeans, trousers, shorts or a skirt and I ended up with 5 new t-shirts and 2 new dresses!  Yes, they were in the sale so they were bargains.  Yes, I used my vouchers so technically didn’t really spend anything, but it was not the plan!🙈

The rest of the day and night was quiet because…

Saturday:

I had to get up early to torture myself by running two laps around Queens Park in the name of fun and fitness and, given the week I had just subjected myself to, it was even more arduous than usual!

Still, at least Mia’s swimming was out for the holidays, so I treated myself to a little preparation nap, as in the evening we were out for Jessie’s 30th birthday!

I took Deb as my date and we had dinner at the National where we decided to work our way down the cocktail menu!  Apparently I hadn’t lived before that night because I’d never tried a Fruit Tingle – allegedly an Australian classic!  I would love to expose them all to some White Lightning, Thunderbird or other such rocket fuel that we drank in England growing up, but they’re too nice to give alcohol poisoning to!😀  Anyway, the Fruit Tingle was quite nice but too sweet to drink multiple of, so I went for a Crazy Frog because it contained Red Bull and would keep me awake! After a couple of those, it was “Mums on tour” and while some of the party went for dessert, Deb and I didn’t want to stop the train, so went to The Office.

After multiple failed attempts at contacting Jessie (her phone was flat and charging in the car!) we finally all met up again, the men and kids went home and it was ladies night!💃🏼 We went to Tatt’s for many cheap drinks and then The Cube.  I had carried on with the Red Bull which meant I looked like this:

Then Deb had the bright idea to do karaoke!  And suggested Pink.  I should have said “No!” and “No!” because Pink has a very low voice which, when you try to sing one of her songs into a microphone makes it sound like you’re a dying bear.  I could have tried to go a whole octave higher as I would if I was alone in the car but that it is for my sober ears only!  Then, to make matters worse, one of my students came up to say hi and then took a seat to watch the rest of my dying bear performance!  The shame!🙈

“Ah well”, you think, “at least she learnt her lesson.”  “No!” and “No!” unfortunately, as I then got up again with Jessie to sing none other than Pink, albeit a different song.  Dying Bear Part Two In Front Of Student!  What was my alcohol and Red Bull-fueled mind thinking?!😳

Sunday:

New Year’s Eve!  Unfortunately I spent the majority of the morning in bed following the previous night’s shenanigans!🤢

No rest for the wicked however, as we had planned to go out for dinner and drinks with Bianca, Paul and the kids and then to watch the fireworks at Queens Park.  We went to Absolute Grill and the food was yummy, but I do love an Indian!😋  A few glasses of Prosecco and I was feeling fine again! (Hair of the dog and all that!)

Unfortunately we took so long over dinner that the fireworks had started (and Mia left her cardigan in the restaurant so I had to run back!) so we only caught the tail end with the kids on the Dads’ shoulders!

We were having a great night and decided to carry on the party at Paul and Bianca’s.  Ian suddenly decided he wanted to go home (not actually sure why!) so we dropped him off and Mia and I went to their house.  Ian had packed us a bag with pyjamas, toothbrushes and some chocolate in and then I suddenly felt incredibly guilty that we weren’t going to ring in the New Year as a family and Mia was falling asleep in any case, so I called an Uber.  I didn’t check the price because I’m a fool (I do slightly remember something about the fares surging in the brain fog!) and just pressed Send.

By the time we got home, Mia was asleep, so went straight to bed and Ian flaked out early too, so I ended up ringing in the New Year watching the fireworks live from Sydney on the TV and cheers-ing myself like a Billy no-mates!  From wonderful to woeful in the space of an hour!  #sadsacklife